Adventures in Dating: Single & 40

So here I am, newly 40 and now single again.  My last relationship ended on good terms - thank goodness. But it was definitely a loss.  If I think back to my 20's, did I ever imagine that at this point in my life, that I would be looking to date?  Hell no... ha ha.  But that's my reality now.

So maybe your wondering why am I talking about dating on a natural hair blog??   Well because there are so many women out there that are single later in life, and having to deal with starting over. That it's worth talking about. Dating is exciting, exhausting, painful, stressful and fun all at the same time.  And how is this possible?? Well it's kind of like being on a roller coaster. There are a lot of emotional ups and downs.  But I think with dating - all the disappointments you may experience make it that more special when you actually do find the guy that is the perfect match for you.

I have been single for 7 months... but it feels like it has been forever.  Dating has been a challenge.  Especially for someone like myself that is not to good with picking up clues when it comes to flirting. I can be a bit shy and don't always catch the clues that guys may give me that they want to talk or are interested.  So unless someone actually comes up to me and says hello - I may never connect with that person. And I don't exactly have the most exciting social life.  Not really into bars or clubs. So what is a girl to do? 

Well fortunately and unfortunately there is internet dating. I have not had a very good experience so far... ha ha.  Lots of bad communication, guys that want booty calls, catfishing, etc...  I also think
when people are trying to match through the internet, there is so much that is missing. It's very impersonal, you can't feel the vibe of the person, see their facial expressions, etc.  Although I am still on a couple of dating sites - I think I need to broaden my options for meeting people.  So tomorrow is my first meetup singles group get together.  Something that is laid back, not to much pressure. Just to get out and have some fun. I hope I don't sound lame lol.  But hey, I am a single mom with my own business and limited time.  So if I need to go to a meetup event for singles, to start meeting new people, that's what I am going to do.  

I look forward to writing more about my dating adventures (as well as beauty and hair topics).  And I would love to hear from all of you natural beauties about your dating experiences.  Whether you are single, in a new relationship, in a long term relationship or married - if you have a stories to share, email me at Naturalgirlsunited@gmail.com.

'Stashing' is the newest way to get screwed over in love

I found this interesting article on Yahoo news today that is both funny, full of truths and amusing.  Dating, for me, has always been a love-hate thing.  I enjoy getting out and meeting new people, but it can be exhausting.  Between trying to find someone that you have chemistry with, similar interest and life goals...is often a tall order.

 

Because I am a busy mommy, work full time and try to have a regular workout routine - finding time to get out and meet someone new is often difficult. Although I am very open to meeting someone when I do get out, I have and do use online dating. 

 

The article below, hits on a lot of things that I have experienced will online dating - dating fishing, breadcrumbing, stashing (girl... move on, ha ha), kittenfishing, catfising and ghosting! These terms are all explained below or linked to an explanation.  So if I have been through all of this, why o why do I continue to do the online dating thing. I ask myself this question all the time.  I have often deleted online my dating app... and then get back on out of sheer boredom. But who knows, maybe if I keep my heart open, one day I will meet my match.  

 

Read this great article below, on what to look out for when dating -

 

'Stashing' is the newest way to get screwed over in love

By Cassie Murdoch

 

Feel like your new romance features a little bit too much alone time? You might have been stashed.

What now? Meet “stashing,” the newest relationship term to strike fear into our hearts. We’ve already been victims of “kittenfishing,” “breadcrumbing,” “gatsybying,” “haunting,” and, of course, the ubiquitous “ghosting.” And now we’ve got this to worry about.

 

Stashing, as the Metro reports, is that thing where you’re in a new relationship and everything seems great, except for one thing — you’ve never met any of your new love’s friends or family.   You’ve let this person fully into your life, but they haven’t even so much as acknowledged your existence on social media or introduced you to one of their pals. Uh oh, you’ve been stashed.  Basically you're being kept a secret for one reason or another, like a little treasure stashed away in an underwear drawer. Ugh. 

 

When you press your partner about it, they’ll try to wriggle out of having to explain. Sorry to say, but they’re probably already in a relationship with someone else or have some other dark secret to hide.

The good news is that “stashing” is just a new name for something that people have been doing since the beginning of time. So this isn’t some new horror brought on by dating apps or Instagram. Still, it’s no fun. But don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they find you too embarrassing to share with their nearest and dearest; it means they’re a liar. And the sooner you can un-stash yourself the better. 

 

Too see more of my blog stories about dating, click here.

Dating Advice from Redbook

Dating Advice From Redbook:

4 Secrets to a Spectacular Relationship

By dating editor Nicole Yorio for Redbook

What do couples who describe their relationship as spectacular do differently than those who describe theirs as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually.

"When we look at happy couples, we see that great partnerships are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health. "It's small changes in behavior and attitude that can transform your relationship." In her new book, "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great," Orbuch shares the steps you can take to a spectacular relationship.

#1. Understand Each Other's Needs
"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or physical incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration -- the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts -- that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.

#2. Show Him Some Love
Men whose partners give them affirmation -- those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved -- are twice as likely to describe themselves as happy in their relationship. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your guy to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen -- which is why men rely on that attention from their mates. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.

#3. Take 10
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything, except for responsibilities or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your partner intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on the block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.

#4. Focus on the Good
The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what's wrong, right? Nope. "The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction." This doesn't mean that you can't feel -- or talk about -- anything negative, but "pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale," she says. "If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad." The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your partnership into one that is truly great.

- Source

E - Advice: How to tell my girl....

I got a very interesting question from an Internet friend, about a new girl that he is dating. He loves natural woman, but the woman that he just started dating does not have natural hair. So his question to me is, how does he let her know that she would be absolutely gorgeous with her own natural hair??

Here is my advice to him:

I think approaching the subject of asking a woman, that you are just getting to know, to be more natural is very touchy. If she brings up the subject, then your in!! But if its not something that she talks about, it may be hard to bring it up without offending her.

If you are just starting to date, I would say wait awhile, until you have established that you really love the way she looks and carries herself. Once you are both kind of over the initial newness of the relationship (give or take 2 or 3 months), I think it may be ok to ask her if she would ever consider wearing her hair naturally.

But!! And this is a big but! You have to be ready for her to possibly reject the idea. She may like her own style or way of presenting herself to the world. And if she says she is not into it, you may have to just respect that. In my own situation - I entered my relationship with my husband with permed hair. I already had a huge desire to go natural. So when he brought it up and encouraged me to loc / dread my hair, I was all for it. So it really just depends on her mindset.

Hope this helps!

Karen

Panel Of Beauty Experts - First Date Tips!

I was asked to be a part of a Panel Of Beauty Experts to give tips on First Dates.  To See more go to Expert Panel: Beauty Tips for a First Date on Online Dating Sites.

Featured Reader - Dejanee

Name: Dejanee

What is your hair story? I was natural pretty much my whole life. However, when my parents got a divorce I had to live with my dad and my hair became the responsibility of my aunt. She was a hair stylist and that was one of the first things she did was perm me and my other two sisters hair. I was too young to know what a relaxer was or to tell her that I did not want one. What is funny is that I started transitioning after my parents started dating again and where later remarried.

When and why did you decide to start wearing you hair naturally? After I was old enough to realize what a relaxer was, I decided to go natural. I, at the time, had no information on hair and did the best I could.   

What are three products  you can’t live without for nurturing your hair/styling your hair?

Honey - I love it as a pre-poo is makes my hair shiny.

Aussie moist - I love this as a co-wash and I use it as a leave in. People always tell me how good my hair smells, when i use it.

Komaza coconut milk- Ph balance and makes my hair soft.

How can we keep up with you and your journey?

Youtube Darhairsisters

Alicia Keys - Un-thinkable (I'm Ready)

Alicia Keys has an amazing song out called "Un-thinkable (I'm Ready)".  Along with the song, Alicia made a very powerful video, that touches on the racial tensions that surround interracial relationships. The video begins in the 1950s, where Alicia's character faces anger and disapproval from her community for dating someone that is of a different race. The video covers over 6 decades, to the present day, showing that not much has changed since that time. 

This video really impressed me because I could feel a lot of the emotions from the scenes that reminded me of what I went through in my own life. My relationship with my boyfriend, who is a different race, is amazing - because he is amazing!!  Not because his skin is a different color than mine. Being a part of a interracial relationship is no different then being in a relationship with someone of your own race. The only difference is that there are people in the world that choose to treat you with hate, because of their own ignorance or self hatred.

"This is my and my boyfriend's song. Its unfortunate that others can't see the love we share for each other. instead they see a Latin and African American together and start to judge. Love is deeper than skin color."

- Nancy  

"In the video (from the 50s to the 2000s), people have not been accepting interracial relationships. She [Alicia] just shows that prejudice has not changed much since 60 years ago." - Caitlin H.

"It's crazy how not much has changed since back in the day. I use to think racism was dead until this summer when my mom found out my boyfriend was black. She freaked out. Race doesn't matter. Let's be more open-minded than previous generations and end racism! Finally." - MGL

"Interracial Love is beautiful! This song isn't attacking black men nor white men or anything just stating a truth, as to how it once was and in some areas, still is!!! Please grow up and recieve knowledge and understanding becasue IGNORANCE is not a pretty trait!!!" - Y.A.M

"I think that interracial love is beautiful, and also natural. We live in the 21st century, and I would hope to think that you would be able to date anyone, no matter race or origin, without being judged for your own decision. Just because you prefer white men over black man does not make you self hating, just as preferring black men does not make you a racist against white men. It's just preference, I think that the whole point of the video is, that LOVE is colorblind." - B.B.C

This song is one of many great songs off of Alicia Key's album "The Element of Freedom".